JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sharon I have some bad news
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.