Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
monday
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁