I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me, in DM rooms…
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!