JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
How funny!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..