someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good