me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.