Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.