Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You Might Also Like
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Beware of the dog..
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything