Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
🙁
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?