judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The honesty is refreshing
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don鈥檛 oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you鈥檇 be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 馃榾
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!