JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Jesus Christ lmao
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.