We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
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sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors