The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!