Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.