I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You Might Also Like
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body