Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
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Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!