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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground