Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
You Might Also Like
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid