You Might Also Like
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.