Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos