Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know