[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
August 8
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire