BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
How to wake up a Beagle