@MindyFurano: Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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@noog: Judge: Order in the court [from the back] Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with... [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
@HomeProbably: I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
@Reverend_Scott: u don't need dangerous marijuana pot get high on life -ride a bike -read a good book -make a sacrifice to the dark lord -watch a sunset