Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
You Might Also Like
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.