Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.