If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You Might Also Like
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.