Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
just witnessed a drug deal
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Worth remembering.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.