JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
You Might Also Like
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.