To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses