Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”