[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
You Might Also Like
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?