[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire