*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
the Monday after daylight savings
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
This is sending me to another galaxy
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014