*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
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The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?