*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.