I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
some Old Testament wisdom
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me