Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Not😆🤣
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
God has left this place
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.