[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked