Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
that de-escalated quickly
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!