Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
😂😂😂
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck