Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*