Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?