When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
guys I’m going home
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
OH. COME. ON.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?