[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it