@Cheeseboy22: Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [taking communion at church] I'm a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
@STEELERS1972: When my laptop asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
@theblowout: my interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason i drink wasn't there
@Marlebean: Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid... Me... Kid: You didn't sew the hole in my bunny Me.. Kid.. Me: It's 3:07am Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?