@Cheeseboy22: Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@MentalAbortions: I'm pretty sure they weren't talking about stupid when they told you, "If you got it flaunt it."
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@bananainches: Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet! The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.