Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
He is just living hist best little life 😊
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now