Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
This was my dad’s browser history.