Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.