I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.