Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Every photo I’m tagged in
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Meanwhile in Canada…
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything