My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.